Recreations for a Girl’s Beard #1: A Communiqué

This morning I awoke with certain excitement.

Adelaide: You are not getting the best of me today, beard!

Beard: Ho hum!

Opting to head straight to work, I sauntered across the room to my computer without first running to the bathroom for my usual morning routine of dull razor against persistent facial hair.

Adelaide: Yea, keep growing. It will only ensure your doom!

Beard: Ho hum!

Little did beard know that I had procured, via impulse buy, a box of hair removal wax whose specialty was course stubble. How did I not think of this before? Lasers are so passé (huh), I mean I need to honour my do-it-yourself spirit.

I enlisted my roommate to help and they soon called down the stairs for me. Shortly thereafter I came a running the small pot of wax in hand.

To melt wax: Fill a shallow pan half with water and bring to a slow boil with the smaller wax pot in the middle. When the wax reaches a honey like consistency turn off heat and bring the whole pan near your hair removal station (in my case the kitchen) carefully. When wax hardens, repeat.

At first, I tried applying the wax on my own but submitted to the help of my roommate after the wax strings dripped and pulled like taffy on my fingers. They spread the wax on my face, mimicking the model on the box.

Adelaide: OK, beard this is it. This is where we part. (at least for a short while).

Beard: Ho hum!

The rip I expected to be painful, I wanted it to be painful. I wanted to see the small strip of wax covered in skin and blood and a forest of hairs, the roots dangling helplessly to and fro, my beard no longer but a collection of follicles. Bastard follicles.

Instead, the wax collected a nice mold of my pours and left a refreshing and artificial scent that would be called sea breeze (or such).

Now beard is not the gloating type, as previously mentioned they are persistent, a genetic trait I also bear. Long after my roommate had taken off for other activities I sat applying wax to my face, sitting in the kitchen, desperate.

And all the while, I cooked lunch, and here is what I made:

Sweet Potato and Mushroom Stir Fry with Red Lentil Gravy over Brown Rice

And here is how you make it:

Begin to prepare brown rice (you can figure this out).

Cut up sweet potatoes (thinly), mushrooms, garlic, kale or whatever you got.

Fill a pan with a layer of oil and put on a medium heat. Add the sweet potatoes. Stir frequently.

Adelaide: Oh Yes! I got a few hairs on my chin.

In another pot, boil the red lentils with water and a dash of salt to a two to one ratio or less if you care to add a bit of soy or nut milk later. Stir every couple minutes.

Once the sweet potatoes seem mostly done add the mushrooms and garlic. At this point I like to add some cayenne and a bit of salt as well.

Adelaide: This is not working for my upper lip. Why is that?

The red lentils cook fairly quickly and they will soon boil down into a thick stew. Now the question is: How do you like your gravy? For me, I add a bit of soy or nut milk here to make it creamy along with a quarter cup of nutritional yeast and a couple dashes of basil then salt and pepper to taste.

The sweet potatoes and other veggies should be pretty sizzling. I enjoy my kale not over cooked, so turn off the heat and add the kale, letting the steam do the work.

Adelaide: Maybe I will just do my eyebrows and bikini line. Not in the kitchen.

On a plate throw down your rice and your stir-fry and slop gravy all over it: There is your damn wonderful meal.

Beard: Ho hum!

By the end I had collected about 15 hairs from my face (roots and all) amidst the larger pile of wax and made a delicious/ nutritious meal.

When defeated and ashamed it is best to eat lunch by yourself in your room after having freshly shaven your sweaty, fresh smelling face with a dull razor.

Fin.